Can I really look myself in the eyes and admit the truth?

In the end, our lives will be defined by our choices. So far it seems , that all of my choices have been made out of fear. Fear of losing security, fear of uncovering the uncomfortable truth… Is that why I’ve been sitting with my eyes shut, ears covered, persistently yet reluctantly walking the path chosen by other people, every single day? Is that why in discussions about life and purpose and happiness, I get so passionate while defending freedom and bravery and courage, while I am consciously choosing to settle for something less than what I want? Is that why I .. keep postponing life?

Entry :14 Feb

So.hangover.
So.lonely.
So.ill. Oh well.

But let’s just jump straight to the point.

I should just rename this blog to ‘The Wanna-be Diary’ because that’s exactly what I am.

Yes, I wanna be rich, I wanna be popular, hot, maybe even famous. I wanna be respected and accomplished and successful.

Why am I saying this?

You know how’s there’s always the ‘cool crowd of kids’ somewhere near your circle of friends of acquaintances. The people who are good looking, crazy rich, most outgoing and everybody knows them. The people who everyone wants to be friends with. Well in my case they’re french, cool, funny and kind of awesome. They go to Saint Tropez in the summer, and skiing in France in winter. They are often the leaders of various interests groups and the people you always see taking loads of pictures together – there they are, all happy and tan and popular. Am I so weird for wanting to belong there?

And then the question is – how can I ever? How can I ever turn from being just a wanna-be to actually belonging there?

Before I start going on about this, let me just say that I think it’s okay to admit wanting certain things in your life. Okay, so some people would call this kind of a group ‘pretentious, spoiled, cocky’ or whatever else. However I’m not gonna be hatin’ just because I’m a bit jealous.

So how the hell can I ever get there? I mean, I know all of them already, but now let’s say i get really involved with their daily sushi lunches and suddenly we start planning our annual St.Tropez yacht vaca.

Obviously, I’d have to become a millionare or a very rich motherfucker to keep up with that. And there we have our first problem. I’m calling it a problem because I like to believe it’s just how things are now, and that it’s something I can solve. So let’s say I start my own business or whatever and get really rich. Let’s imagine I’m finally hanging out with these people. Could it ever work ? When – say – I have to work hard for what I have and they never ever had to ? But there’s something that just draws me to the world of overly priviliged and repells me from all the ‘hard-workers’ who keep bitchin’ at anyone who’s ever been born a royal.

You know what, I don’t even know where I’m going with this.

Maybe I’m just asking : ‘What’s the POINT of life if you can never have what you want?’

1st vlog – 12 Feb

Sooooooooo, I had a rough day. In other words, this day kicked my ass. (Don’t know why I deserved it..) And in the last couple of weeks, I found that not only talking to a friend helps – talking to yourself helps too. And since I’m too lazy to write, I film . And while I speak, I usually somehow find the solution to my problem and start feeling much, much better; and am able to move on with my life.

So that’s what happened today, but I also realized some of the stuff might help someone ? I don’t know. Either way, I’m publishing it, and hopefully you’ll get something out of it. I included the whole explanation so you understand why it’s not aimed at anyone (Hi guys! Love you guys! See you soon guys!) or anything like that.

P.S.1 – it does end optimistically.
P.S.2 – the Steve I’m referring to is Steve Pavlina.

Realizations – 11 Jan 2014 2:55AM

Today brought me many realizations.

- I must invest in my relationships and make them focused around QUALITY. That’s only gonna happen if I’m gonna be honest both with myself and others. Only if I’m gonna be authentic , open, reliable and supportive. Only if I manage to be vulnerable and don’t hesitate to ask for a little help sometimes. Only..when I open myself to both the love and pain that comes with relationships.

- I actually do want to belong to the cool kids. Hell, I want to know everyone and travel and have connections and adventures. 3 things keeping me from it? Communication. Finances. Good body. Let’s get right on that and CHANGE THINGS AROUND. I’m not a fucking victim of life. I’m free to choose, to change, to chase, to act. Dammit.

- I have FUCKING AMBITIONS!!!!!!!! AND WHERE DID THEY GO? DOWN THE DRAIN OF TRADITIONAL EDUCATION IN THE HOPES OF BEING FUCKING MEDIOCRE. This shit needs to be dealt with immediately. I better fucking FIGURE OUT WHAT IS IT EXACTLY THAT I WANT and get going in the right damn direction!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (And absolutely SCREW others’ opinions on MY DAMN LIFE!!) I’ll need: more self education,topic specific courses (entrepreneurship), possibly degrees. I’ll need to find a way to finance that shit. I’ll need a clear plan with goals, targets and touchstones. Tomorrow I’ll get right on that.

- I need to get more mind-body balance. This is necessary for my own sanity. Walks in the nature are fine, but I do need something more active too to get rid of that crazy energy. Dancing. Jumping. Running. (Squash. Tennis. Swimming.)

- Today was kinda awesome. Interesting lectures, good talks with friends and family, good food… But I’m 19. Who knows how long I’ll live – maybe till I’m around 60? That leaves me with..41 years? I know well enough how a day,a month,a year can just float by, without even realizing where they went, what I did and who I’ve been with. Damn!!! 41 years!! And how many of these am I gonna spend living my dreams???? Considering the rate&path I’m going right now, NONE. And that just sounds like a damn waste of an otherwise pretty good life.

There’s a limited time of days and hours and seconds each week. There’s a limited number of weeks in my life. Do I really want to keep spending them as I have been up until now? Do I ???

- All in all, I need to wake the fuck up. First step – figure out what I want. What I want. What I WANT. Not what society wants from me. Not what my parents want from me. Not what my friends or my school or my damn family wants from me. What is it that I actually want that I’m so passionate I’ll be willing to work hard for it and face any obstacles and have the courage to see it through all the way to get me some success and passion and to create a living that I’d be proud of? Finding this + giving it a clear, specific, realistic plan = getting what I want. And not by any accident.

All this time, I’ve been staying quiet instead of speaking up.
I’ve been adjusting to others instead of being myself.
I’ve been letting others make the decisions instead of being clear about what I want.
WELL THIS LIFE IS MINE AND I OWN IT. I absolutely refuse to play the victim anymore. Victim of circumstances, family issues, country positions..how many excuses are there?

Now listen carefully, all the people who ever put me down.
Listen, all you fear-spreaders, fake-smilers, everything-is-bad-talkers.

I am the hero of this story. I am the main character of this movie. Ands you don’t get to decide what I do ever again.

24 Dec

So I was just sitting there (lying there, actually, curled up in my blanket & pretending to sleep so that I could avoid my family, hide my overall disappointment from this Christmas and have a little break) – and I was going through all the classical negative thoughts.

- How everyone has changed (or..remained the same?), how everything sucks, how nothing ever will be the same, how unmotivated I am, how lazy I am , how scared I am to get out of my comfort zone, how I actually feel like I’m getting physically ill from this shit, but also, how I don’t wanna move from this bed, how I don’t wanna get up ’cause there’s nothing better waiting out there anyways… -

And then I remembered some old school Brian Tracy advice, it just rang in my head – ”Successful people do what they have to do even when they don’t feel like it”.

And I started thinking. Oh wow. So I can just get up and do pilates now even though I don’t feel like it. Or write my essay. Or work. I mean, getting started is the worst part. And all the sudden, it just seemed like the perfect solution to all my problems.

And I got up. And I decided to write this first before I do my pilates – in hopes that it can help someone else suffering from lack of motivation or just laziness. (Hell, this whole time, my problem was that I’ve been too comfortable. Why didn’t anyone tell me!? Oh wait they did, but I didn’t listen. Well…)

Hmm, let’s turn off facebook before I change my mind about the exercising. Haha.

 

24.12.2013.

Christmas time! It’s that time of a year again.
Well, I don’t know what’s worse – tolerating my family’s racist & anti-semitic remarks or eating more cake made out of loads of white flour and sugar?

Okay. So maybe I can’t stand that they’re so controlling and traditional and close-minded.

But I’m comfortable here. (Maybe a bit too comfortable..)

And I need them – they’re my family.

And you know what, fuck staying quiet because I think I can’t change them anymore (”Why are you so quiet? Why don’t you talk to us?” Ehm, cause actually, you guys are hateful jerks who keep filling my mind with fear?)

No, it’s Christmas, I got to watch my favoritest Christmas movie (Love Actually) and maybe these holidays are about being honest. So I’m gonna be honest, cheerful, and I won’t let any other person’s fucking complexes and bad moods change me. I’m building a transparent guard around me made out of hope and love and nothing can get through it.

Good luck… and may all your wishes come true! :*

22 Dec

Today, I.am.so.lazy.

I decorated the Christmas tree. I ate (a lot) although I somehow managed to avoid the cookies and cakes. I didn’t workout for..4 days.
I have so many tasks to complete, and I just can’t seem to find the motivation.

I wonder, when will I ever learn to live in the present moment? When will I finally start ACTING?
So far I feel like one of those puppets being managed and controlled by strings. Why is that ?

Anyways.. this one article I read said: ‘If you want a change, you need to redifine how you see yourself.’
Fair enough. I guess good place to start would be finding out how I see myself right now. Maybe that’ll explain things..?

How do I see myself?
I’m a person who…
- Never finishes anything
- Is too afraid to start (anything)
- Gets controlled by food and money, as well as other people
- Is lazy (to do sports, to get out there, to make a change)
- Is afraid (of people, of relationships, of being my real self.. of taking a risk, of being vulnerable)
- Is too lazy, unmotivated and hopeless to try to get out of the comfort zone
- Is always criticizing and judging conformists, while she became the biggest conformist on the freaking planet Earth
- Can advise others but not herself
- Cross that, can advise herself but never listens to her own advise/never acts on it

Yeah. That does actually explain a lot.
Let’s change this shit. Although it’d be soooooo much easier to change how I see myself if those things weren’t true(which they are. for now.).

I am (or will work on becoming) a person who…
- Always committes to her plans and finishes every single one of them, doesn’t start a million things at once, but puts realistic focus on one and then moves on
- is brave and capable of starting and making a change
- is in control of her life, her finances, her weight and what happens to her
- Is willing to do the work in order to get where she wants to be and become who she aspires to be
- Is willing to open herself up to both the failures and pain and disappointments as well as love, happiness and amazing experiences
- Is motivated to live the life she wants and loves to get out and take risks and challenge herself
- Is always committed to staying herself no matter what, never ever pretending to be someone else or trying to change or adjust for other people
- Can advise herself well, take action and create a solution.

There we go. I’m gonna print that and read it every morning, haha (riiiiiight…). Seriously though.
I cannot wait for this to work. Will keep you updated.

21 Dec

I woke up with an excruciating thirst, reminding me of my hangover. Fragments of last night are starting to show before my eyes.. Oh noooo………….

I got home at 3 by a taxi, all the way from the city. I remember trying to be nice to the taxi driver and talk to him ( which I never do since I normally hold zero interest for people {strangers}, and I was hoping he’d lower the taxi fare ) and that actually turned into a serious life purpose discussion, including the topics of depression or the meaning of life. That was kinda cool.

What’s NOT cool is that M broke up with his girlfriend and got unbelievably drunk, to the point several of us had to take care of him for hours, patting him on the back while he was trying to throw up in the bathroom of the club.

What’s NOT cool is that I made out with a guy (okay, he’s hot and I wanted him, but still) who’s our FRIEND and who my other girl-friend has a history with …. Oh fuuuuuuck. I.am.such.a.bitch.

What’s probably not okay, and I will regret it later, although it still entertains me – is that we did our challenge with M before he got sick. The challenge is – take some random item from each bar/club we go to (since we were on a little ‘Tour De Bar’) , I mean ; he only managed to take a salt shaker and I managed to take an empty tequilla shot. This results in no serious damages for the clubs and bars we love, and you know, it’s the little things. I laughed my ass off , so I think it was worth it. Although now that I’m writing it down it does feel a bit wrong. I guess I’ll return it next time I’m there.

God, I just remember meeting the Slovak guy with his tourist English/Bulgarian friend, getting us rounds and rounds of golden tequillas. Golden tequillas (the right way – 0.5, cinammon-shot-orange ) are like a …tradition. Something never to be missed on a night out. How many shots did I have altogether last night?to numb my anger of things like…My father apparently still thinking I’m 3 fucking years old and trying to control me which drives me NUTS, or the fact that at the time, I was still in a fight with my best friend and I felt so, so lonely. Okay my grammar makes no sense right now but I blame that on the hangover.

So how many shots did I have? Let’s count everything (haha, impossible). A beer on the bus to the city (paired with music from my angry playlist, then sad, then hopeful). A cider at the first pub. Kebab after that, which had chilli in it – what the heck, right? People ought to warn one when they decide to put chilli in your kebab. And I thought ordering  a ‘no onion’ one got me off the spicy hook. Next, God, it’s so hard to remember. Oh yeah – we went to our favorite bar (4 tequillas for !3! Euros.. No fucking joke) but it was full. Then a B52 at a club, and a ‘Bahama Mama’, a beautifully exotic, sweet cocktail tasting somewhat like an alcoholic version of a multivitamin juice. Then we ran into those 2 guys on the streets and took them to our second favorite bar. Then tequillas.. one, two, three, four, and a sip of beer.

Then we found out about our friend’s brother’s birthday party at a local club. Obviously, we go. We held hands on our way there and those moments reminded me of how much I love my friends.

Not to mention – I am shocked about how the night turned out! I mean, having had such strong, unpleasant emotions right when I was leaving the house & deciding to drink usually ends terribly. The alcohol only seems to heighten all the hidden emotions.

BUT. On the bus, I sort of did this little ritual.

While I was still feeling absolutely horrible , and I realized I was pitying myself and how unfair everything is and how I was jealous of my former best friend because she found a new (better) best friend and how I knew my other friend would turn up in new, branded, fashionable clothes and it would make me so sad because I currently can’t focus my limited finance on fashion and that made me realize how fucking broke I was and how I don’t know how to change the situation and that made me think that the whole freaking Universe has turned against me.

And then I realized – you little spoiled brat. You have so much to be thankful for!! Am I not healthy!? Am I not loved? Safe? Warm? On my way to a party!?!?! Yes I am! And it’s about fucking time I stop pitying myself, take some damn responsibility, get back to positive thinking and turn things around. Yes, of course, deep down I know I fucked up everything myself, it’s just unpleasant to admit that. (‘let’s blame the financial crisis, the job market, my father for not making more money, the food industry for enabling me to eat shit and gain weight, and all sorts of external factors for losing my best friend.’ Riiiight.)

So. I took a deep breath. A couple, actually. I turned off the angry music. I took full focus on the present moment, and imagined all the bad stuff bubbled up inside of me – all the jealousy, anger, hatred, pity, worry, stress, sadness, hopelessness, negativity – as a black cloud and I made it come out into the open air and disperse into a million little pieces until there was nothing else. Then I looked up, with hope, and imagined all the goodness there is in the world – all the hope, the happiness, the love, the excitement, and opened myself to it. Yes, frigging Universe, I’m here, I’m more than ready to accept all this awesomeness, bring it on! And it made me smile.

And I was happy. For the first time, in a long, loong, looooong time.

So thank you for that.

I finally fully realized that no problem, no sadness, no depression can ever be solved if you keep focusing on it. Nothing can be solved if you keep avoiding it, pretending (wishing) it wasn’t there although you know it is.

The only solution here is letting it all out. And then letting the right things in.

Sealing yourself forever from all the black clouds floating around on a daily basis. And it feels.. like a huge relief.

And I’m so grateful for being here today.
If it’s a good day, I can be thankful that it was a good day. If it’s a bad day, I can be thankful for a lesson. Let’s hope I will not forget about that. And let’s hope you won’t, either.

Good luck and happy holidays

19 Dec

FUCK THIS SHIT.

FUCK THIS WHOLE FUCKING SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!]

I’VE HAD IT!!!! I’VE FUCKING HAD IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111
YOU MOTHERFUCKING IDIOTIC BULLSHITING FUCKING PUSSY BITCHES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I AM FUCKING SICK OF ALL THIS FUCKING CRAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SICK OF IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AND FUCKING LOSERS DECIDING ABOUT SHIT
AND IDIOTIC OLD BITCHES THINKING THEY KNOW EVERYTHING BEST
AND THAT FUCKING FAGG OF A JERK IDIOTIC ASS
AND ALL THOSE FUCKING BITCHES
AND FUCKING DEMOCRATS
IDIOTIC SYSTEM SUPPORTERS
FUCKING STUPID INTERNSHIPS AND RETARDED COMPANIES

AND THIS WHOLE MOTHERFUCKING LIFE
FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU FUCKING SUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
GET MY HOPES UP AND THEN CRUSH THEM YOU IDIOTIC IDIOT
IF YOU ONLY KNEW HOW MUCH I HATE YOU
GO FUCKING SCREW YOURSELF
I’M SO OVER THIS
SO SO OVER THIS
FUCK EVERYTHING
FUCK TRYING
FUCK CARING
FUCK TRYING
FUCK CARING
JUST FUCK IT
MOTHERFUCKEEEEER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Feeling fat and feeling worthless (?)

I started reading one book about weight loss and weight loss myths written by a Slovak author recently , and I was quite.. enlightened when I read the chapter on ‘Why are we fat? – or The psychology of obesity’.

A question is being asked: ‘Why do some people manage to lose weight easier than others and some don’t manage it at all?’

The author’s answer begins with highlighting the fact that if the weight problem is linked to (subconscious) emotional issues – such as: the person who wants to lose weight sees a direct link between weight loss and becoming more ‘worthy’ – the whole weight loss process becomes a never-ending game that is doomed for failure.

We (or the person who wants to lose weight) start(s) thinking – ‘Can I do this? If I can, I’m good enough, I’m worthy. If not; I’m a failure, a loser, I’m worthless.’ And since the source of this kind of thinking is our insecurity, we are unable to tolerate any of our tiny failures or stumbles. We then see our them as confirmations for  ‘See, you’re worthless. You couldn’t do it. You’re incompetent.

God!! I’m just like…… Heeeeeeeell yeah!! It’s true! Fucking hell.

And I do this shit on a normal day, too. I look around and when I see fat people, I do consider them.. well, weak. ‘You didn’t manage to deal with your emotions (so you ate)’. Or, ‘You are a lazy ass and you didn’t work out’. Or , ‘I bet you have a shitload of excuses about your condition but ”Skutek Utek” – which is a Czech saying that basically means ‘No action’.

[Now I understand that everything, and I mean everything I think about others (or judge them on) is just stuff I actually judge myself on. I do think I didn't manage to deal with my emotions and it resulted in some bad eating habits. I do think I'm a lazy ass who keeps postponing workouts. I do have a shitload of excuses instead of just taking action. All the bad shit anyone ever judges other people on - is just a mirror reflection of themselves. I think. Yeah, I'm pretty sure about this one.]

And yes, I do actually think this kind of shit deep down, truly. Like, I do think to myself ‘Ugh!If I only lost some weight I would do this.’ Or – ‘If I really got this skinny I would reallyyy show them.’

And obv., now that I’m aware of these thoughts I realize how utterly stupid they are. And shallow. And horrible! Just horrible. But they’re there. And I don’t know.. Is it because of the media? The fashion industry? The genes of my ancestors who used to hunt and move and didn’t know what a macaroon was who are now sending me subliminal messages? Or is it that I didn’t receive enough validation in my childhood or whatever?

Well one thing is for sure – no one ever loved me just the way I am. Or accept me, for that matter. My parents constantly want to change (or ignore) major parts about myself and I see (although I was trying to deny it for a long time) , that it had a certain impact on me. Of course it did. But I forgive them and all that, and I try not to hold grudges or blame other people for the shit that’s going on in my head. Because I know they gave me best they got and all of this shit is just because they have issues too, and perhaps (for sure) they weren’t accepted in their childhoods or whatever.

So what’s really the point of this post? Man I don’t even know for sure, I got a bit lost at the end there.

But I guess the point is – losing weight does not make anyone more worthy. Skinnier people are not more ‘worthy’ than chubby people. Right ?? I mean I gotta say, it sounds right, but I’m not convinced.

I just hope this I’ll get over this whole worthlessness shit and I hope you will too.

And please, DO let me know what you think. I’m dying to know.

Source:
Igor Bukovský: Teraz to zíde? (p. 185)