Hello lost souls. (Or at least that’s who I think bothers with reading the most depressing shit on earth, unless you’re gathering data for some kind of a social experiment).
I recently gave this blog link to a very close, trusted friend. I did that because this blog contains probably all my darkest thoughts and secrets, I started it when I was going through a horrible time and I thought that she deserved an explanation for it all. I wanted to open myself more to the world, I wanted her to have a peek inside of who I really am. I thought it was only fair for both of us.
Her reaction was… Many things at once. Disappointment (that she didn’t know about what was going on and that I didn’t tell her then), probably shock and surprise regarding a lot of information. I felt so vulnerable, but in a way, relieved.
I haven’t read any of my posts for a long, long time. I wrote most of them drunk and depressed and genuinely did not remember what they said. Today, I was curious about what she saw through her eyes and I decided to have a look.
What I read, shocked me. It shocked the hell out of me. This might not be news since I often post during episodes of both ‘depression’ and ‘mania’ (although I’ve never been clinically diagnosed). So one day it can be ”FUCK FUCK FUCK I’M LONELY LIFE SUCKS I DON’T KNOW THE WAY OUT POINTLESS AHHH” and next day it’s ”Here are my goals, I know what to do, yes! Let’s do this, I’m okay now”.
The scariest thing was this constant need to fix myself that shines through all of my posts. They all basically scream ”I’m not good enough as I am. I need to be fixed.” How tragical it is that I had to spend
months years of my life believing that…
Fortunately, I’m only usually at my worst during winter, for some reason. My major imbalances are gone and I’ve been very stable during the last couple of months. If I was sad, okay, it was sad, but not life-is-pointless-I-can’t-handle-this-sad. If I was happy I was happy, but not ohmygod-goals-determination-euphoria-let’sdothissssss.
I genuinely don’t know what’s up with the major seasonal changes. What I do know is that I’ve been doing my best to work on positive thoughts, self acceptance and healthy living. It has really made all the difference. And most of all, my friends have been so unbelievably helpful. I wish I knew earlier that they’d want to know if I was going through problems. That they wouldn’t see it as bothering them.
I have learned so much. Today when I looked back at my posts, it actually made me cry. I can’t believe I did this to myself!!! I totally terrified the inner child in me and I became fearful of the whole world. So much neglect, so much pain. And worst of all, I kept riding the endless spiral of negativity, thinking that by analyzing every single negative thought, I’ll somehow get rid of it. Little did I know that if we want to be happy, we need to control our mind and handle the negative thoughts and feelings that occasionally pop up, instead of drowning in sorrow and self-hatred.
I started this blog… because I wanted there to be a proof that I exist. The real me, that no one knew about. But writing down all the bad stuff that happens is just not helping anyone – not me, and not my readers.
That’s why I know my approach needs to change. I will still keep it 100% honest, but I won’t ever allow myself to go down that rabbit hole ever again.
I realized I used to be confined in allll my relationships in the UK by not expressing my craziness, need for attention, dramatic side and passionate findings. That has changed now with almost all my relationships. I found this quote somewhere and thought it was perfectly fitting to my situation:
In my work as a psychotherapist, I’ve found that we tend to be ashamed of our most unique, passionate and iconoclastic parts. These aspects of ourselves threaten our safety; but they are the direct path to love and, not incidentally, to personal greatness. When we suppress these challenging gifts, we’re left with a sense of emptiness and loneliness.
Rather than diving into the dangerous corners of my mind, I choose look at things with love and understanding. I am now aware of the fact that I’m the one who needs to support myself emotionally above all. You know, they say that the things we look for most in other people, are the things we ourselves cannot offer. I was always blaiming the world and my family for not supporting me. I always thought I was missing out on friends who’d support me. But what I really needed was some support from myself!
If you’re sad, or upset or hurt; don’t beat yourself up for it. Be happy that you have the opportunity to learn every day.
I am going to try to love myself to the best of my abilities. I’m gonna do my best to identify the things that spark passion in me and devote more of my time to them. I’ll go and find out what I love, and surround myself with it. I’ll cherish my quirky, crazy, unique traits instead of judging them. I’ll stop trying to fit into a box that I think society would appreciate me in. I’ll try my best to do this, and if I won’t succeed, that’s okay. We’re all doing what we can, to the best of our abilities at any given moment. There’s no need to be so critical, and so unhappy with what we have.
‘’People who are joyful bring the most to the world. ‘’
I guess it’s my responsibility to make sure I’m joyful! Not the world’s, not the people’s who are in my life (no matter how amazing they are).
I wrote this, in hopes that it would help anyone out there who is or was struggling with the same issues as me.