First Diary post… To explain all the others

I just started this blog.
This is the first blog post ever.


Truly, I have started ‘blogging’ a long time ago. Or should I call it ‘diarying’?
I have been writing down the very thoughts in my head for some time now into my phone/tablet/notebook. And to make this complete and at least somehow comprehensible (since obviously, this is my head&my life we’re talking about, it will never be completely comprehensible unless you have Freud on your side to help you understand that shit ) – I am going to copy down starting with the oldest ‘diary entries’ proceeding to the newest.. And then adding stuff as I go along.

Okay. Another thing. This is hard for me. I don’t know why. I don’t know:

  • a) Why I even wanna do this so much
  • b) Why it’s so difficult for me to express my real thoughts and emotions

– Oh wait! That’s because I don’t accept myself. I almost forgot. Okay then.

Let’s roll.

This blog is about to change.

Hello lost souls. (Or at least that’s who I think bothers with reading  the most depressing shit on earth, unless you’re gathering data for some kind of a social experiment).

I recently gave this blog link to a very close, trusted friend. I did that because this blog contains probably all my darkest thoughts and secrets, I started it when I was going through a horrible time and I thought that she deserved an explanation for it all. I wanted to open myself more to the world, I wanted her to have a peek inside of who I really am. I thought it was only fair for both of us.

Her reaction was… Many things at once. Disappointment (that she didn’t know about what was going on and that I didn’t tell her then), probably shock and surprise regarding a lot of information. I felt so vulnerable, but in a way, relieved.

I haven’t read any of my posts for a long, long time. I wrote most of them drunk and depressed and genuinely did not remember what they said. Today, I was curious about what she saw through her eyes and I decided to have a look.

What I read, shocked me. It shocked the hell out of me. This might not be news since I often post during episodes of both ‘depression’ and ‘mania’ (although I’ve never been clinically diagnosed). So one day it can be ”FUCK FUCK FUCK I’M LONELY LIFE SUCKS I DON’T KNOW THE WAY OUT POINTLESS AHHH” and next day it’s ”Here are my goals, I know what to do, yes! Let’s do this, I’m okay now”.

The scariest thing was this constant need to fix myself that shines through all of my posts. They all basically scream ”I’m not good enough as I am. I need to be fixed.” How tragical it is that I had to spend months years of my life believing that…

Fortunately, I’m only usually at my worst during winter, for some reason. My major imbalances are gone and I’ve been very stable during the last couple of months. If I was sad, okay, it was sad, but not life-is-pointless-I-can’t-handle-this-sad. If I was happy I was happy, but not ohmygod-goals-determination-euphoria-let’sdothissssss.

I genuinely don’t know what’s up with the major seasonal changes. What I do know is that I’ve been doing my best to work on positive thoughts, self acceptance and healthy living. It has really made all the difference. And most of all, my friends have been so unbelievably helpful. I wish I knew earlier that they’d want to know if I was going through problems. That they wouldn’t see it as bothering them.

I have learned so much. Today when I looked back at my posts, it actually made me cry. I can’t believe I did this to myself!!! I totally terrified the inner child in me and I became fearful of the whole world. So much neglect, so much pain. And worst of all, I kept riding the endless spiral of negativity, thinking that by analyzing every single negative thought, I’ll somehow get rid of it. Little did I know that if we want to be happy, we need to control our mind and handle the negative thoughts and feelings that occasionally pop up, instead of drowning in sorrow and self-hatred.

I started this blog… because I wanted there to be a proof that I exist. The real me, that no one knew about. But writing down all the bad stuff that happens is just not helping anyone – not me, and not my readers.

That’s why I know  my approach needs to change. I will still keep it 100% honest, but I won’t ever allow myself to go down that rabbit hole ever again.

I realized I used to be confined in allll my relationships in the UK by not expressing my craziness, need for attention, dramatic side and passionate findings. That has changed now with almost all my relationships. I found this quote somewhere and thought it was perfectly fitting to my situation:

In my work as a psychotherapist, I’ve found that we tend to be ashamed of our most unique, passionate and iconoclastic parts. These aspects of ourselves threaten our safety; but they are the direct path to love and, not incidentally, to personal greatness. When we suppress these challenging gifts, we’re left with a sense of emptiness and loneliness.

Rather than diving into the dangerous corners of my mind, I choose look at things with love and understanding. I am now aware of the fact that I’m the one who needs to support myself emotionally above all. You know, they say that the things we look for most in other people, are the things we ourselves cannot offer. I was always blaiming the world and my family for not supporting me. I always thought I was missing out on friends who’d support me. But what I really needed was some support from myself!

If you’re sad, or upset or hurt; don’t beat yourself up for it. Be happy that you have the opportunity to learn every day.

I am going to try to love myself to the best of my abilities. I’m gonna do my best to identify the things that spark passion in me and devote more of my time to them. I’ll go and find out what I love, and surround myself with it. I’ll cherish my quirky, crazy, unique traits instead of judging them. I’ll stop trying to fit into a box that I think society would appreciate me in. I’ll try my best to do this, and if I won’t succeed, that’s okay. We’re all doing what we can, to the best of our abilities at any given moment. There’s no need to be so critical, and so unhappy with what we have.

‘’People who are joyful bring the most to the world. ‘’

I guess it’s my responsibility to make sure I’m joyful! Not the world’s, not the people’s who are in my life (no matter how amazing they are).

I wrote this, in hopes that it would help anyone out there who is or was struggling with the same issues as me.

Open letter to Elliot Rodger

I’m sorry. I’m really sorry I didn’t know you and couldn’t be there for you when you needed someone, when you desperately wanted to share what you were going through. I’m sorry it had to end like this!

You say you have been rejected and perceived as unworthy of love. That is false. I believed you were the only one who thought you were unworthy of love, and that is always very sad to see. Elliot, you were a handsome, smart young man, who was a little bit alone. You see, I’m sure girls were attracted to you. But there’s a lot of factors influencing people’s relationships. I would know. I could easily be one of the ‘blondes’ you mention. I’m in my second year of college and I’m single, sex-less. All of my friends are having fun with boys, but me. I sometimes feel unwanted and isolated but.. The point is, I now know (or at least do my best to realize) that there is nothing wrong with me. Also, it’s no one else’s fault. It’s simply the result of some of my decisions and actions and there’s nothing more to it. And I believe there was nothing wrong with you, either.

Things happen for a reason and life often brings us challenges. I think these challenges are here to help us grow, more than we ever would’ve without them. Maybe you (in the corner of your mind) did think you were entitled to girls’ attention due to your good looks. I’d say I understand. But it’s not always important what you look like or how handsome you are to girls. They (I believe) want someone who’s confident and takes initiative, amongst other things. It varies a lot, you know. I guess you were feeling so down because someone rejected you at some point in your life. I’m sorry to hear that, and I’m sure she missed out on a lot. Underneath your cover of a ‘villain’ and ‘alpha male’ I know you were a great guy. It isn’t always easy, dealing with rejection – I know. Sometimes, you just don’t understand where it comes from I guess. It can be shocking and very hurtful, leaving you feel abandoned and unlovable.

But you’re not and you were not.

I don’t really know what happens to people after death. But I was truly sorry to hear you were gone. I just wish you knew you were lovable and loved before you went. That’s why I wrote this letter.

I guess it’d be strange if I didn’t mention the girls. I’m not happy about what happened, of course not. It’s a big tragedy. I just strongly believe it didn’t have to end this way and that it’s very unfortunate that it did. Moreover, I am disgusted by people’s reactions. Specifically, by those people who go on talking about how crazy you were and how you deserved death. Is that really going to bring those girls back ?

How about, you people, for a second try to see through your hatred and fear and look at things with a little bit of compassion. Maybe that could prevent this kind of event of happening in the future. For god’s sakes, we should help people who are dealing with these kinds of issues instead of putting them down, just like people did on Elliot’s vlogs. The media will portray him as a psychotic, cold, insane killer. Is that what he really was? I absolutely don’t think so.

Well, it’s done and over now, and I wish you the best of luck with finding peace.

P.S. There might be thousands of people all around the world right now who despised your videos and celebrated your death. Well, I’m not one of them.

Dealing with emotional baggage

Also called ” My little mental weight problem”.

I recently started reading Louis Hay – Heal your life (again).  I keep discovering this book in my computer, getting super excited and considering it the answer to all my problems, reading a couple of pages and then completely forgetting about it. It’s as if I was so used to having issues & neglecting myself, I subconsciously push away any possibility of real happiness.

Anyways, in this book she says most if not all of our problems are a result of the lack of self-love (surprise, surprise). But she also says, that if someone is carrying around unnecessary weight, they’re doing so to ‘guard themselves from the world’.

I’m starting to realize I gained all this weight for a reason. There is an issue (starting with lack of self-love) that made me want to guard myself from the world and from other people. When did this start?

I guess sometimes around my teenage years. Perhaps the 2nd year of my high school (gymnasium)- at age 14. It was shortly after my first ”real achievement” of preparing myself for the entry exams and getting outstanding results that got me the acceptance letter into one of the most prestigious schools in my country. What was going on back then? How was I feeling?

not good enough 
– there were always better grades I could be getting, better sport successes, more talents..
like a slave – imprisoned in an institution (I got myself into to be the good daughter) that I loathed, being made to daily wake up at 5:30 AM to get there, hating every second, every authority, every fucking moment in the mandatory pool classes we had.

(Still surprised I felt like guarding myself from the world?)

Everyone wanted something from me, the wouldn’t just let me be (happy). I remember explaining at home how miserable I am at that place and only receiving more criticism. (If you weren’t doing this or that, you wouldn’t be so miserable. If you’d only do more, be better, you wouldn’t be so miserable..). Those years taught me it’s better not to talk to my parents since they’re of no help whatsoever. There was constant pressure on me, on us, from teachers – to get serious. And while I was a good student, I had no intention whatsoever to be SERIOUS about my life at 14.

Why did no one tell us to enjoy life back then?
Why were we made to worry about bullshit?

Yes, it’s safe to say I was living a life built on other people’s wishes and commands – just NOT mines. (I wonder, is everyone? ) I remember telling my parents over and over and over again to let me try horse riding. They never listened. No one ever fucking listened to what I wanted. I guess I learned that my wishes are somehow less worthy or less important than other people’s wishes. We were fucking RICH back then – why did no one listen?? I guess it was then that I’ve learned not to share all the little pieces of me – to hide my thoughts, my remarks, my passions.

I’ve learned to distance myself from those close to me and just go on with my life, according to the rules and ‘how I should be living my life’. I see now how it didn’t make sense back then for me to be fit or good-looking. Boys were a big no-no (”Focus on your studies and your future.”)

I was made to feel inadequate every single day of my life. None of my achievements were ever celebrated. There was always more to be achieved (or so my father seems to think to this day). My parents always wanted more, more, more from me – better grades, more achievements, more talents; my teachers wanted more focus, more effort, more conformism; my far prettier and ‘got their life together’ classmates made me feel like there’s something seriously wrong with me.

Yes, I’m starting to get a pretty good idea of where my issues came from…

I wonder, what would’ve happened if I reacted differently? If I didn’t listen to THEM, but myself, and left the hated institution , moved to an art school, took a stand against the authorities in my life and shouted, FUCK YOU, I AM GOOD ENOUGH!!!!

I wonder, where would I be now ?

But I’m not gonna blame myself. I was 14. It’s okay. These things happen. It’s over now.

And I need to forgive the people who made this time of my life miserable so that I can move on and finally be at peace.

This won’t be easy. But it needs to be done. Holding a grudge won’t hurt them – it will hurt me. Besides, I don’t even want to hurt them. They’ve obviously made me feel like shit inadequate because they didn’t love themselves. I just want to heal, and I wish the same for them – just so they stop hurting others around them.

Can I really look myself in the eyes and admit the truth?

In the end, our lives will be defined by our choices. So far it seems , that all of my choices have been made out of fear. Fear of losing security, fear of uncovering the uncomfortable truth… Is that why I’ve been sitting with my eyes shut, ears covered, persistently yet reluctantly walking the path chosen by other people, every single day? Is that why in discussions about life and purpose and happiness, I get so passionate while defending freedom and bravery and courage, while I am consciously choosing to settle for something less than what I want? Is that why I .. keep postponing life?

Entry :14 Feb

So.ill. Oh well.

But let’s just jump straight to the point.

I should just rename this blog to ‘The Wanna-be Diary’ because that’s exactly what I am.

Yes, I wanna be rich, I wanna be popular, hot, maybe even famous. I wanna be respected and accomplished and successful.

Why am I saying this?

You know how’s there’s always the ‘cool crowd of kids’ somewhere near your circle of friends of acquaintances. The people who are good looking, crazy rich, most outgoing and everybody knows them. The people who everyone wants to be friends with. Well in my case they’re french, cool, funny and kind of awesome. They go to Saint Tropez in the summer, and skiing in France in winter. They are often the leaders of various interests groups and the people you always see taking loads of pictures together – there they are, all happy and tan and popular. Am I so weird for wanting to belong there?

And then the question is – how can I ever? How can I ever turn from being just a wanna-be to actually belonging there?

Before I start going on about this, let me just say that I think it’s okay to admit wanting certain things in your life. Okay, so some people would call this kind of a group ‘pretentious, spoiled, cocky’ or whatever else. However I’m not gonna be hatin’ just because I’m a bit jealous.

So how the hell can I ever get there? I mean, I know all of them already, but now let’s say i get really involved with their daily sushi lunches and suddenly we start planning our annual St.Tropez yacht vaca.

Obviously, I’d have to become a millionare or a very rich motherfucker to keep up with that. And there we have our first problem. I’m calling it a problem because I like to believe it’s just how things are now, and that it’s something I can solve. So let’s say I start my own business or whatever and get really rich. Let’s imagine I’m finally hanging out with these people. Could it ever work ? When – say – I have to work hard for what I have and they never ever had to ? But there’s something that just draws me to the world of overly priviliged and repells me from all the ‘hard-workers’ who keep bitchin’ at anyone who’s ever been born a royal.

You know what, I don’t even know where I’m going with this.

Maybe I’m just asking : ‘What’s the POINT of life if you can never have what you want?’

Realizations – 11 Jan 2014 2:55AM

Today brought me many realizations.

– I must invest in my relationships and make them focused around QUALITY. That’s only gonna happen if I’m gonna be honest both with myself and others. Only if I’m gonna be authentic , open, reliable and supportive. Only if I manage to be vulnerable and don’t hesitate to ask for a little help sometimes. Only..when I open myself to both the love and pain that comes with relationships.

– I actually do want to belong to the cool kids. Hell, I want to know everyone and travel and have connections and adventures. 3 things keeping me from it? Communication. Finances. Good body. Let’s get right on that and CHANGE THINGS AROUND. I’m not a fucking victim of life. I’m free to choose, to change, to chase, to act. Dammit.

– I have FUCKING AMBITIONS!!!!!!!! AND WHERE DID THEY GO? DOWN THE DRAIN OF TRADITIONAL EDUCATION IN THE HOPES OF BEING FUCKING MEDIOCRE. This shit needs to be dealt with immediately. I better fucking FIGURE OUT WHAT IS IT EXACTLY THAT I WANT and get going in the right damn direction!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (And absolutely SCREW others’ opinions on MY DAMN LIFE!!) I’ll need: more self education,topic specific courses (entrepreneurship), possibly degrees. I’ll need to find a way to finance that shit. I’ll need a clear plan with goals, targets and touchstones. Tomorrow I’ll get right on that.

– I need to get more mind-body balance. This is necessary for my own sanity. Walks in the nature are fine, but I do need something more active too to get rid of that crazy energy. Dancing. Jumping. Running. (Squash. Tennis. Swimming.)

– Today was kinda awesome. Interesting lectures, good talks with friends and family, good food… But I’m 19. Who knows how long I’ll live – maybe till I’m around 60? That leaves me with..41 years? I know well enough how a day,a month,a year can just float by, without even realizing where they went, what I did and who I’ve been with. Damn!!! 41 years!! And how many of these am I gonna spend living my dreams???? Considering the rate&path I’m going right now, NONE. And that just sounds like a damn waste of an otherwise pretty good life.

There’s a limited time of days and hours and seconds each week. There’s a limited number of weeks in my life. Do I really want to keep spending them as I have been up until now? Do I ???

– All in all, I need to wake the fuck up. First step – figure out what I want. What I want. What I WANT. Not what society wants from me. Not what my parents want from me. Not what my friends or my school or my damn family wants from me. What is it that I actually want that I’m so passionate I’ll be willing to work hard for it and face any obstacles and have the courage to see it through all the way to get me some success and passion and to create a living that I’d be proud of? Finding this + giving it a clear, specific, realistic plan = getting what I want. And not by any accident.

All this time, I’ve been staying quiet instead of speaking up.
I’ve been adjusting to others instead of being myself.
I’ve been letting others make the decisions instead of being clear about what I want.
WELL THIS LIFE IS MINE AND I OWN IT. I absolutely refuse to play the victim anymore. Victim of circumstances, family issues, country many excuses are there?

Now listen carefully, all the people who ever put me down.
Listen, all you fear-spreaders, fake-smilers, everything-is-bad-talkers.

I am the hero of this story. I am the main character of this movie. Ands you don’t get to decide what I do ever again.

24 Dec

So I was just sitting there (lying there, actually, curled up in my blanket & pretending to sleep so that I could avoid my family, hide my overall disappointment from this Christmas and have a little break) – and I was going through all the classical negative thoughts.

– How everyone has changed (or..remained the same?), how everything sucks, how nothing ever will be the same, how unmotivated I am, how lazy I am , how scared I am to get out of my comfort zone, how I actually feel like I’m getting physically ill from this shit, but also, how I don’t wanna move from this bed, how I don’t wanna get up ’cause there’s nothing better waiting out there anyways… –

And then I remembered some old school Brian Tracy advice, it just rang in my head – ”Successful people do what they have to do even when they don’t feel like it”.

And I started thinking. Oh wow. So I can just get up and do pilates now even though I don’t feel like it. Or write my essay. Or work. I mean, getting started is the worst part. And all the sudden, it just seemed like the perfect solution to all my problems.

And I got up. And I decided to write this first before I do my pilates – in hopes that it can help someone else suffering from lack of motivation or just laziness. (Hell, this whole time, my problem was that I’ve been too comfortable. Why didn’t anyone tell me!? Oh wait they did, but I didn’t listen. Well…)

Hmm, let’s turn off facebook before I change my mind about the exercising. Haha.



Christmas time! It’s that time of a year again.
Well, I don’t know what’s worse – tolerating my family’s racist & anti-semitic remarks or eating more cake made out of loads of white flour and sugar?

Okay. So maybe I can’t stand that they’re so controlling and traditional and close-minded.

But I’m comfortable here. (Maybe a bit too comfortable..)

And I need them – they’re my family.

And you know what, fuck staying quiet because I think I can’t change them anymore (”Why are you so quiet? Why don’t you talk to us?” Ehm, cause actually, you guys are hateful jerks who keep filling my mind with fear?)

No, it’s Christmas, I got to watch my favoritest Christmas movie (Love Actually) and maybe these holidays are about being honest. So I’m gonna be honest, cheerful, and I won’t let any other person’s fucking complexes and bad moods change me. I’m building a transparent guard around me made out of hope and love and nothing can get through it.

Good luck… and may all your wishes come true! :*

22 Dec


I decorated the Christmas tree. I ate (a lot) although I somehow managed to avoid the cookies and cakes. I didn’t workout for..4 days.
I have so many tasks to complete, and I just can’t seem to find the motivation.

I wonder, when will I ever learn to live in the present moment? When will I finally start ACTING?
So far I feel like one of those puppets being managed and controlled by strings. Why is that ?

Anyways.. this one article I read said: ‘If you want a change, you need to redifine how you see yourself.’
Fair enough. I guess good place to start would be finding out how I see myself right now. Maybe that’ll explain things..?

How do I see myself?
I’m a person who…
– Never finishes anything
– Is too afraid to start (anything)
– Gets controlled by food and money, as well as other people
– Is lazy (to do sports, to get out there, to make a change)
– Is afraid (of people, of relationships, of being my real self.. of taking a risk, of being vulnerable)
– Is too lazy, unmotivated and hopeless to try to get out of the comfort zone
– Is always criticizing and judging conformists, while she became the biggest conformist on the freaking planet Earth
– Can advise others but not herself
– Cross that, can advise herself but never listens to her own advise/never acts on it

Yeah. That does actually explain a lot.
Let’s change this shit. Although it’d be soooooo much easier to change how I see myself if those things weren’t true(which they are. for now.).

I am (or will work on becoming) a person who…
– Always committes to her plans and finishes every single one of them, doesn’t start a million things at once, but puts realistic focus on one and then moves on
– is brave and capable of starting and making a change
– is in control of her life, her finances, her weight and what happens to her
– Is willing to do the work in order to get where she wants to be and become who she aspires to be
– Is willing to open herself up to both the failures and pain and disappointments as well as love, happiness and amazing experiences
– Is motivated to live the life she wants and loves to get out and take risks and challenge herself
– Is always committed to staying herself no matter what, never ever pretending to be someone else or trying to change or adjust for other people
– Can advise herself well, take action and create a solution.

There we go. I’m gonna print that and read it every morning, haha (riiiiiight…). Seriously though.
I cannot wait for this to work. Will keep you updated.

21 Dec

I woke up with an excruciating thirst, reminding me of my hangover. Fragments of last night are starting to show before my eyes.. Oh noooo………….

I got home at 3 by a taxi, all the way from the city. I remember trying to be nice to the taxi driver and talk to him ( which I never do since I normally hold zero interest for people {strangers}, and I was hoping he’d lower the taxi fare ) and that actually turned into a serious life purpose discussion, including the topics of depression or the meaning of life. That was kinda cool.

What’s NOT cool is that M broke up with his girlfriend and got unbelievably drunk, to the point several of us had to take care of him for hours, patting him on the back while he was trying to throw up in the bathroom of the club.

What’s NOT cool is that I made out with a guy (okay, he’s hot and I wanted him, but still) who’s our FRIEND and who my other girl-friend has a history with …. Oh fuuuuuuck.

What’s probably not okay, and I will regret it later, although it still entertains me – is that we did our challenge with M before he got sick. The challenge is – take some random item from each bar/club we go to (since we were on a little ‘Tour De Bar’) , I mean ; he only managed to take a salt shaker and I managed to take an empty tequilla shot. This results in no serious damages for the clubs and bars we love, and you know, it’s the little things. I laughed my ass off , so I think it was worth it. Although now that I’m writing it down it does feel a bit wrong. I guess I’ll return it next time I’m there.

God, I just remember meeting the Slovak guy with his tourist English/Bulgarian friend, getting us rounds and rounds of golden tequillas. Golden tequillas (the right way – 0.5, cinammon-shot-orange ) are like a …tradition. Something never to be missed on a night out. How many shots did I have altogether last night?to numb my anger of things like…My father apparently still thinking I’m 3 fucking years old and trying to control me which drives me NUTS, or the fact that at the time, I was still in a fight with my best friend and I felt so, so lonely. Okay my grammar makes no sense right now but I blame that on the hangover.

So how many shots did I have? Let’s count everything (haha, impossible). A beer on the bus to the city (paired with music from my angry playlist, then sad, then hopeful). A cider at the first pub. Kebab after that, which had chilli in it – what the heck, right? People ought to warn one when they decide to put chilli in your kebab. And I thought ordering  a ‘no onion’ one got me off the spicy hook. Next, God, it’s so hard to remember. Oh yeah – we went to our favorite bar (4 tequillas for !3! Euros.. No fucking joke) but it was full. Then a B52 at a club, and a ‘Bahama Mama’, a beautifully exotic, sweet cocktail tasting somewhat like an alcoholic version of a multivitamin juice. Then we ran into those 2 guys on the streets and took them to our second favorite bar. Then tequillas.. one, two, three, four, and a sip of beer.

Then we found out about our friend’s brother’s birthday party at a local club. Obviously, we go. We held hands on our way there and those moments reminded me of how much I love my friends.

Not to mention – I am shocked about how the night turned out! I mean, having had such strong, unpleasant emotions right when I was leaving the house & deciding to drink usually ends terribly. The alcohol only seems to heighten all the hidden emotions.

BUT. On the bus, I sort of did this little ritual.

While I was still feeling absolutely horrible , and I realized I was pitying myself and how unfair everything is and how I was jealous of my former best friend because she found a new (better) best friend and how I knew my other friend would turn up in new, branded, fashionable clothes and it would make me so sad because I currently can’t focus my limited finance on fashion and that made me realize how fucking broke I was and how I don’t know how to change the situation and that made me think that the whole freaking Universe has turned against me.

And then I realized – you little spoiled brat. You have so much to be thankful for!! Am I not healthy!? Am I not loved? Safe? Warm? On my way to a party!?!?! Yes I am! And it’s about fucking time I stop pitying myself, take some damn responsibility, get back to positive thinking and turn things around. Yes, of course, deep down I know I fucked up everything myself, it’s just unpleasant to admit that. (‘let’s blame the financial crisis, the job market, my father for not making more money, the food industry for enabling me to eat shit and gain weight, and all sorts of external factors for losing my best friend.’ Riiiight.)

So. I took a deep breath. A couple, actually. I turned off the angry music. I took full focus on the present moment, and imagined all the bad stuff bubbled up inside of me – all the jealousy, anger, hatred, pity, worry, stress, sadness, hopelessness, negativity – as a black cloud and I made it come out into the open air and disperse into a million little pieces until there was nothing else. Then I looked up, with hope, and imagined all the goodness there is in the world – all the hope, the happiness, the love, the excitement, and opened myself to it. Yes, frigging Universe, I’m here, I’m more than ready to accept all this awesomeness, bring it on! And it made me smile.

And I was happy. For the first time, in a long, loong, looooong time.

So thank you for that.

I finally fully realized that no problem, no sadness, no depression can ever be solved if you keep focusing on it. Nothing can be solved if you keep avoiding it, pretending (wishing) it wasn’t there although you know it is.

The only solution here is letting it all out. And then letting the right things in.

Sealing yourself forever from all the black clouds floating around on a daily basis. And it feels.. like a huge relief.

And I’m so grateful for being here today.
If it’s a good day, I can be thankful that it was a good day. If it’s a bad day, I can be thankful for a lesson. Let’s hope I will not forget about that. And let’s hope you won’t, either.

Good luck and happy holidays