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I guess I have a hard time feeling safe in here.
Here = in my body, in my environment; that is, no matter where I go. Really, it’s in me. Probably in my head.
Not journaling makes my day go by without intention. Without focus.
Sometimes it’s nice, but other times, you can see that’s just because the real stuff is burried deep within. It’s still there, still taking my energy, still making me what I am, just without my awareness. And that’s not good.
Because lately, I know things are not right. I know I’m running from myself and from life by being awake at odd hours, spending that time watching TV shows; not caring for myself. Not being in myself.
Why? I’ve been feeling really ugly and unworthy lately. So, so unattractive and a failure of every fitness thought or aspiration I ever had.
It’s been so bad, I don’t even want to look at myself. I just wanna hide.
And sure, I wanna use colors to make me look less ugly. That’s even good perhaps. But the junk eating? The weight gain, the lying in bed all day; clearly they’re all a result of a deep lack of self-love, it’s like I’ve given up on myself.
And when I look in the mirror, I tell myself how ugly I am. I ask myself, why are you so ugly. And I hate myself even more. I hate this ugly person, I hate her. And I have no desire to do anything nice for her, whatsoever.
I don’t let her paint. I don’t let her eat well. Sometimes, I don’t let her shower. I hate her hair. I hate her features, her fat, her bad posture, how weak she is.
Why am I talking about me as ‘her’?
Because that’s how truly disconnected I feel from the person I see in the mirror. I wanna have nothing to do with them.
Even imagining for a second that this is me forever and that I’m stuck with this ….I’d rather hide, I’d rather run. And that’s what brought me here in the first place.
Self love? How am I supposed to find things I love about myself when when I am such an opposite of all that I deeply appreciate: aesthetics and health and leanness.
How am I supposed to look in the mirror and live with myself. How am I supposed to respect this person that has drifted so far from herself?
I’m so deeply sorry to abandon myself like this.
I know I have some mental health issues. I know I haven’t been there for myself in all the ways that I could have been. I am deeply sorry.
I do not want to repeat the mistakes of my parents against their own souls. I want to heal.
And first I need to heal myself. With compassion. With presence. With connections, deep connection, really looking myself in the eyes with understanding.
I now understand my crazy dreams, the crazy faces; I even do it in real life; instead of being here. Instead of being here I criticize myself so deeply.
I hurt myself, I punish myself, I ignore myself, I isolate myself.
I’m being an awfully bad parent to my inner child, completely abandoning it, many times only offering abusive, hateful, judgmental and strict comments without taking any prisoners.
I’ve been all the things that I criticize other people for being and worse.
When I feel into my body, all I can sense is: neglect.
A body that’s been ignored, overlooked, unappreciated, uncared for, straight out forgotten. Is the body caring me through all of life.
This body that has been there for me since birth. That’s always there for me, even in the most stressful and difficult situations.
This body that can feel so good, that always protects me from an illness. I’ve been horrible to it. Controlling, restricting, judgmental, unappreciative and hateful. And I’m deeply sorry.
It’s time… To make peace with myself.
I may not be perfect. Many parts of me are not “meeting my ideal goal”.
But my soul is so kind and healing. My body has allowed me to travel and eat delicious food and receive love. My beauty has allowed me to feel good in the world.
And I know that if I want to make things better, to heal even more, I can only do that through patience, compassion, humility, acceptance, honesty, and most of all, presence.
The Young Adult Diary 